Divorce / Separation....

[st.marys]

So, me and my wife separated about a year and a half ago, and will eventually get divorced. She is now dating someone, and I am absolutely at my wits end about the thought of some other guy being around my daughter. We are very close, she's 6 and the love of my life. I told my X that he better not be around her without me knowing about it, and she said it's not serious like that. Our separation is totally amicable in every way, and my "x" said that she would never do anything to disrupt my relationship with my daughter. But I can't stop obsessing about it! Any advice out there...any of you been through this?

[1861]

No , I can not imagine being in that position . My condolences .

[-JD-]

I don't know your history, but I can imagine you may feel at a base level that this guy is "the enemy".

As painful as it might be, can you arrange to meet him in a public place with your (Sort-of)ex wife for a meal or something.

Maybe he is a great guy, the type you'd find would end up being a friend with, Then you can hopefully relax - a bit. OTOH if he is a total ass, then you can worry justifiably.

Reality is, you may find yourself on the other end of things in the not too distant future.

BTW - I've seen a divorce where the first wife remained a close, lifelong friend.

[PocketProtector]

There's a fine line between protecting your daughter and being eligible for a restraining order. Don't cross the line.

[Exbiker]

So, me and my wife separated about a year and a half ago, and will eventually get divorced. She is now dating someone, and I am absolutely at my wits end about the thought of some other guy being around my daughter. We are very close, she's 6 and the love of my life. I told my X that he better not be around her without me knowing about it, and she said it's not serious like that. Our separation is totally amicable in every way, and my "x" said that she would never do anything to disrupt my relationship with my daughter. But I can't stop obsessing about it! Any advice out there...any of you been through this?

Sad to say but you`ll have to get over it. That is the casualty of divorce. Some start amicable and end in battles and some start with fireworks then cooler heads prevail and they come to agreement.
Who ever your ex is with is really of no concern of yours as long as they treat your daughter with respect.The better you and your ex`s "friends" get along the easier it will be for your daughter.

[tlgpa]

So, me and my wife separated about a year and a half ago, and will eventually get divorced. She is now dating someone, and I am absolutely at my wits end about the thought of some other guy being around my daughter.

You're gonna have to get over it. Unless you know this guy and could prove to a judge that he's somehow dangerous for your daughter to be around. Otherwise, the judgement of your EX is what goes. Would you be so worked up if it was a female friend of your EX who she was hanging out with? Your EX is an adult and capable of choosing who to have as friends/lovers.

I told my X that he better not be around her without me knowing about it, and she said it's not serious like that.

As mentioned above, not much you can do to stop it. Getting in the way and making things difficult could only make your divorce more difficult, and could affect custody. Especially if he's a good guy and your daughter likes him. How's she going to think about you?

I have step children. They call me Dad. And... they do it in front of their father. He wasn't fond of it at first. But after getting to know me, it's ok with him. I'm sure inside he's still not the happiest about it but he keeps it to himself because he knows the kids and I have a good relationship. Him and I are not all buddy buddy, but we've sat next to each other at sporting events and are always cordial to each other. Even if I think HE's a douch bag.

I suggest letting your EX know that you want to meet him and get to know him. Hopefully he's a good guy! Is it really a bad thing for a child to have more people in their lives loving them and raising them?

[GuyMontag]

sending PM

[fizzyone]

Good advice given so far. Just focus on keeping your relationship with your daughter strong--be there for her, be honest, don't diss your ex or her boyfriend to your daughter, and just have fun when you're with her. You are in the unique position of being her Daddy, and if you focus on your relationship with her rather than who else she's around when she's not with you, she'll see (now and, more importantly, over the long term) her relationship with you as strong, sensible, and a source of comfort, support, and love.

As has already been said, some day soon, you'll find someone special in your life, and the situation will be reversed--your ex will have to deal with her little girl being around another woman who is special to her daughter's daddy. For so many of us, this is all a part of life and the kids end up being further enriched if the "other people" that come into their life bring positive things to their life. But in the end, you'll always be her Daddy.

Best of luck to you!

[4XLT]

i went through this some years ago.. my step girl was 11 and my son 6 when my ex started dating.. it was only 2-3 months after the seperation so it was very hard for me to deal with...

after my younger cousin mentioned that he was there one mornign when she stoped to see the kids, that i knew he was staying over nights....

wel i just about fliped out, i talked to the ex about it and finally i just called my son and told him to put her bf on the phone..

he and i had a talk which lasted a year.. less than a year later after my son had to call 911 cuz he thought her bf was going to hurt her he and i had a face to face talk at their front door.

i simply put that if my kids were effected by his actions in any way to the negative, that he would not have a chance to talk to anyone ever again... after some chest puffing on both sides, we actually came to an understanding and even though the kids dont care for him even now 9 years later, he and i get along fine...

best thing to do is to meet him, just him, not your ex with him, have a few beers and explain your feelings about the kids and that you only want to make sure they are safe and he isnt some kinda dirtbag/perv/whatever..

good luck with this, i know what your feeling and i remembe the pain in the chest and the fire from my belly.. good luck and remember.....

its not worth worrying abhout things you have no control over.

[TimtheDestroy]

here's the perspective from the other side, my parents were separated and then just recently officially got divorced. I commend my parents, and you, for being able to get along with each other at least for the children. My dad eventually started seeing girlfriends but for the most part my sister and i didn't see them, weekend visits. yes it was awkward when we met some. Eventually you'll meed a boyfriend of your ex and no you don't have to like him but i think if you make conflict it may make them not want you to come over even to see your daughter. Try hosting the Ex and your daughter at your place, you can see them and don't have to worry about the other BF showing up.