A (not-so) brief history of Liberals and Conservatives

**LastManOut** · April 2nd, 2007, 07:30 AM

A (not-so) brief history of Liberals and Conservatives

Humans originally existed as members of small bands
of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the
mountains during the summer and would go to the coast
and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were
the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel.
The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These
were the foundation of modern civilization and
together were the catalyst for the splitting of
humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and
Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that
was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass
bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while
our early humans were sitting around waiting for them
to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.
That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals
to barbecue at night while they were drinking beer. This
was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative
Movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting
learned to live off the conservatives by showing up
for the nightly barbecues and doing the sewing,
fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning
of the Liberal Movement.

Some of these Liberal men eventually evolved into
women. The rest became known as girlie-men.

Some noteworthy Liberal achievements include the
domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy,
group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to
decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by
the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the
elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern Liberals like imported beer (with lime added),
but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water.
They eat raw fish but like their beef well done.

Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard Liberal
fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of
their women have higher testosterone levels than their
men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys,
journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group
therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the
designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make
the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat
and still provide for their women. Conservatives are
big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks,
construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police
officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and
generally anyone who works productively.
Conservatives who own companies hire other
Conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to
govern the producers and decide what to do with the
production. Liberals believe Europeans are more
enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the
Liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were
coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West
was tamed and created a business of trying to get
more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should
be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to
angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A
Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of
the absolute truth of this history that it will be
forwarded immediately to other true believers and to
more Liberals just to piss them off.