Comfortable with Guns

[Spectre6]

I have had an intrest in firearms (all mechanical things really) for many years. I have shot handguns and rifles at various times in my life, but I never owned one. Over the past 6 months or so, ive bought 2 rifles, and I have been having a 'blast' with them (a remington 700 that has grown into a benchrest/beanfield rifle, and an AR-15).

I live with my girlfriend, and she isnt particularly fond of firearms. Her dad has a few rifles, and she grew up in the country were deer season nearly eclipsed christmas evry year.. so she has some familiarity and some level of comfort around firearms.

But, she does inherently dislike guns.. She realises that guns arent evil, and dont shoot themselves, and are basically just tools.. but she just doesnt like them. Im not sure if this was ingrained in her by media, or her peers. Her family is not anti-gun.

When I went about getting my first rifle, I really wanted to make sure that it wouldant make her uncomfortable having a firearm in our apartment. And it hasnt been a problem.

This background brings me to my question. I recently started a new job working second shift (3pm-1am). I get home (I live in downtown) at about 1:45am. As im sure alot of you are aware, some 'not-so-wholesome' charictors hang out downtown in the wee hours of the morning. I recently have been considering a handgun and a CCW for protection.

I know this would make my girlfriend uncomfortable, which is a big issue for me. I dont think it will affect my decision to purchase a handgun, but I really dont want to force her into an uncomfortable situation.. does anyone have any advice on this? I have tried to get her to come shooting with me, I know that would change her image of firearms.. even if she didnt enjoy shooting, she would see me and others enjoying it just like someone would enjoy fishing. Just louder. It seems like today there is a notion that if firearms are involved, something is very wrong.

Also, does anyone have any advice on what to consider for a carry pistol?

[dgg9]

I know this would make my girlfriend uncomfortable, which is a big issue for me.

Your life...her irrational discomfort... a hard call, to be sure.

Well, no it isn't. Ultimately her particular neurosis in this regard can't be allowed to have any traction on your life and safety. Work to cure it, certainly, but permit it no vote in your affairs. I am reasonably accommodating to gf's hangups, but not beyond a certain point. Self defense is well beyond that point.

Like anything else, familiarity breeds comfort. In her world, guns are this never-seen, media-demonized apparition, possessed of some inherent evil (it's inarguable she feels this way -- otherwise she wouldn't be uncomfortable with an inanimate object). Once she gets more familiar with them, then a <gasp> ....GUN... becomes a mere gun. The tissue of PC angst dissolves.

You have to find some way to get her to the range, using bribery if necessary. She has to spend time around guns and people who shoot them, to defuse the angst. There's really no other way.

[Karys]

Spectre6,

One thing that has helped me in past similar situations is having a secure place to store your guns at home. It's kind of an out of sight, out of mind type of thing, but it also helps to demonstrate that you're a safe gun owner and that you take owning firearms seriously. There are all sorts of options there. I bought a Homak metal gun "safe" that you can bolt to the wall or floor. I'm currently living in an apartment myself and my safe is pretty light and easy for one person to move. It would be nearly impossible for someone to pry it off the wall though. I would just spackle the holes and sand them a little bit before you move out. I've never had a problem getting my security deposit back. It sounds like it's going to take a lot of discussion to convince your girlfriend that you're better off having guns than not having them.

As for a pistol for CCW, you opened up a can of worms there. I personally like Glocks, but you need to find a gun that fits you well and that you can shoot comfortably. One of the rules of thumb is to carry the most powerful caliber that you can shoot accurately, but remember the gun has to fit your hand and be comfortable enough to carry on a daily basis. I'd suggest you find a range that does rentals and try several different models before you buy.

I used to work the night shift in downtown Philly and I carried my Glock 29 with me in a fanny pack every night. I left my gun in my truck when I arrived at work and I wouldn't even think of taking it into the building. Where I worked was very secure and I had no worries that my vehicle would be broken into and my gun stolen. That's another thing you should think about before deciding to carry to work. Check your company firearms policy too. I carried every night but I would have gotten fired if anyone knew I had a firearm in my vehicle. That's why I preferred a fanny pack. No one knew what was in it and I didn't have to worry about someone seeing me put on or take off a holstered gun.

[Karys]

Your life...her irrational discomfort... a hard call, to be sure.

Well, no it isn't. Ultimately her particular neurosis in this regard can't be allowed to have any traction on your life and safety. Work to cure it, certainly, but permit it no vote in your affairs. I am reasonably accommodating to gf's hangups, but not beyond a certain point. Self defense is well beyond that point.

Like anything else, familiarity breeds comfort. In her world, guns are this never-seen, media-demonized apparition, possessed of some inherent evil (it's inarguable she feels this way -- otherwise she wouldn't be uncomfortable with an inanimate object). Once she gets more familiar with them, then a <gasp> ....GUN... becomes a mere gun. The tissue of PC angst dissolves.

You have to find some way to get her to the range, using bribery if necessary. She has to spend time around guns and people who shoot them, to defuse the angst. There's really no other way.

Very well said and I agree 100%.

[whoshisface]

This is a tough one.

First I would try to get my thoughts together as to why you want one.

Is it just for self-defence coming home from your job?

If you stick to that and just that reason, you should have an easy time appealing to her.

First make sure you give a little time between your last conversation about firearms and potentially following this scenario.

When you run across some of the savory people, tell her the story. Tell her your concern when you were dealing with that person. -- i.e. I was worried this guy might do something to hurt me. Then I was concerned about what would happen to you if something happened to me... -- Talk about if you have enough life insurance on you if something happened. -- This discussion will make most women instantly uncomfortable, they will want you to stop talking about the possibility of your death almost instantly. Tell her you don't want to make her uncomfortable but the reality/possibility really has you concerned because you love her and want her to be okay should something happen. Do it calmly, not like you're loosing sleep over it or worry about it every second of the day. Don't come across as paranoid, only logically concerned about her well being.


Repeat this scenario twice three to four days inbetween, without the mention of guns. Until she brings it up on her own. She should start asking you about it or when you're out with friends she will ring it up in conversation. She'll say something like "downtown is really bad [insert your name here] tells me about these people he comes across" . This is you're cue.

Wait until the next day and tell her that you don't like her worrying about you. Bring up that you'd be better off if you had a chance if something happened. That for your safety and so that she wouldn't worry about it that you've been investigating defending yourself if the need arises. Then say I've looked into the effectiveness of pepper spray/ taser guns on the Internet and information on defending yourself with a handgun. Getting a LTCF and a safe handgun with a proven record of safety in combination with other simple steps you've read like thinking about where you should park is important.

Take the focus back off the guns immediately, so as to distract her from the initial shock and emotional reaction to the mention of the gun with something like this " I never thought about where I parked before. I read some articles and then when I got to my car tonight I realized I parked in probably the worst spot on the lot, there were plenty of places to hide and it was far from the door and darker. I can't believe I've been doing that a lot before"

Here's what probably will happen to her emotions when you say this. First she'll knee jerk about the gun, she doesn't like them so she'll want to object and then changed her focus from that to your safety. The parking conversation (or anything that you can say to make her worry/contemplate about your safety) will cause another knee jerk reaction. This should override her gun concern.

Mind your I'm not suggesting this to maliciously manipulate her but rather to over ride her emotional fear enough so that she starts to look at the broader situation. She needs to realise whats at play. You want her to start comparing your safety vs. her unreasonable fear vs. her logical concern about guns in the home. Hopefully she'll discard the unreasonable fears and start comparing your safety only with her logical concerns about the safety of having a gun in the home.

Your follow up now should be to discuss other things you have done that weren't perfectly safe. Say when you walked down the street you walked near the buildings where anyone could jump out and grab you instead of walking near the curb or you didn't leave enough space between you and the car in front of you. Then bring up what you did right but didn't turn out perfectly. Like I was coming to a light and was making sure to leave enough space between me and the person in front of me so that if something happened I could go around but then some shady guy in a shady car cut right in front of me.

The purpose of that is to indicate to her that no matter how well you follow the rules of safety things happen that can compromise your efforts. Leave it at that. Wait for her to say the next thing, stroke her hair, touch her in some way lovingly and with concern for her in your eyes. Wait say absolutely nothing at all.

You waiting for her to say "So are you getting a gun?" Then say you're thinking about it but that you know if you do you'll need to get a safe and take a lot of courses to make sure that YOU (as in yourself) are comfortable with having one in the home.

the reason for that statement is to show that you're worried about the safety of guns. This alleviates the pressure from her to be the responsible one, will show that you're going to be/ are responsible enough to handle it, you've shown her that you've taken on that heavy role of hers! That will calm her and as a bonus you'll come off as being the protector, which will get you some bonus responsible/protector points.

Don't continue the discussion at the point, Don't expect her to actually agree with you about getting the gun, . She's already accepted that your doing what a man has to do. You're taking a traditional role then and she'll like that.

Immediately after that conversation, tell her everything will be alright and lets not talk about this anymore because I don't like worrying about you. Smile, kiss her and tell her that you're going to make some hot chocolate or tea or dinner or whatever comfort food she likes. Make sure you have that in the house before your start the conversation.

From there it should be a cake walk but I would recommend that you act relatively quickly. Buy a safe and a gun ASAP, the next day even. Make sure you've chosen your gun where you're going to buy it and the safe. When you get the gun make sure you have the safe set up and the gun in the safe before she gets home. Don't let her see it unless she asks to see it and at the beginning don't have it loaded in your house!

Good luck, hopefully this scenario will at least give you some ideas of how to ease her mind. It's just a scenario, you might have to change it around but hopefully it has you thinking about how SHE feels and how to get her to think more logically about the situation rather than her fears about guns.

Again, good luck, and do take a safety course!

[dmg1969]

Spectre, your idea of taking her along to shoot would have been my first idea. Show her that guns are not EVIL and can do no harm without human interaction. A gun is simply a tool used to achieve a result whether that result is putting food on the table, having fun shooting at a target or saving your life or that of a loved one.

I would sit her down and explain that you ARE (do not ask) buying a handgun to carry with you for self defense. Don't limit yourself by telling her it is for when you go to work. That way, you won't get "why are you bringing that?" if you carry it with you when you go out to eat, to the movies, to the mall or whatever. Try to get her interested by taking her to the range. One last thing...don't hide it from her. Going behind her back by doing any of these things would make matters worse. Just be up front and she either has to accept it or not. The choice is hers.

Good Luck!

Dave G.

[dmg1969]

This is a tough one.

First I would try to get my thoughts together as to why you want one.

Is it just for self-defence coming home from your job?

If you stick to that and just that reason, you should have an easy time appealing to her.

First make sure you give a little time between your last conversation about firearms and potentially following this scenario.

Excel, I have to respectfully disagree with that approach. In my opinion, he's more apt to instill an irrational fear (paranoia if you prefer) into her mind by doing all of that.

If it were me, I would sit her down and explain to her that he IS getting a handgun and a LTCF for personal protection. I would ask her what her thoughts are on the matter and what it is about guns that makes her uncomfortable. Without knowing that, there is no way to put her mind at ease. If she asks why, I would simply explain that, in this day and age, with crime on the increase, you never know when you are going to be a potential victim. No worst case scenerios, no stories about how scared he was walking up to the apartment...just the desire for personal protection in general.

That is how I would approach things. YMMV

Dave G.

[dgg9]

I would sit her down and explain that you ARE (do not ask) buying a handgun to carry with you for self defense.

Indeed: allowing someone else's neuroses to manipulate you is a bad road to start down...this is far more than a "gun" issue.

[aubie515]

Jon,

you should ask Chambered Round...he went through this with his wife. He can give you insight as to what happened with his situation.

My wife isn't anti guns, but like your gf...she isn't a gun lover either. I told her since day one of us being together that I carry and that firearms is my passion. She understands that firearms are not dangerous, but tools to help keep us all safe. I think that a sit down conversation with your gf will benefit not only your firearm situation, but your relationship in general.

[Buckmark.35]

One thing that you should avoid though, is making the atmosphere defensive. If you really care for her, then I wouldn't advise going in the with the "I'm getting a gun, and it doesn't matter what you say" attitude. Start off by telling you how you feel about the prospect of owning a gun, and why you want to own one. Keep the conversation focused on yourself more than anything. Stay away from "you" language. i.e. You are all that's keeping me from carrying.. and Why are you so against this. Tell her why YOU feel its necessary to carry, and then ask her how she feels about it.

The most important thing to remember is that more communication isn't always the best solution. From the sounds of it, you have communicated about this before and if you continue to communicate in the same manor, you will surely end up with the same result. The key is more EFFECTIVE communication. Listen to what she has to say, and then make an informed decision about the next steps.