Texts from Last Night - Bad Language warning

[Dredly]

Buddy of mine just told me about this site - its funny as hell. - Not for the sensitive or kids! Its basically text messages that people sent and now they put them on the site

http://textsfromlastnight.com/

here are some highlights - I think the number in front is the area code that the person is in. Just imagine getting these randomly on your phone hahaha

(if you don't find it funny then don't read em!)

(845): He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?

(209): i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me

(631): woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.

(321): Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
(1-321): he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
(321): no his phone, idiot.

(914): she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.

(310): please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
(1-310): negative
(310): come find me please

(704): You smell like stripper and shame

(978): Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good

(314): i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit

(727): I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.

(508): ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks

(850): come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.

(859): Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
(1-859): And?

(850): We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.

(309): nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol

[Vig]

(859): Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
(1-859): And?

Oh now thats classic!

[Perkascene]

I lol'ed

[Dredly]

I remember sending more then one of these

(310): please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
(1-310): negative
(310): come find me please

and if this one doesn't ring a bell you never lived

(704): You smell like stripper and shame

[bigbear]

That site almost had me pissing myself. And I can think of two or three texts, I might submit.

[AlbinoRhino]

Reminds me of the "overheardatthe<insert place here>.com" sites, some good stuff here:

http://www.overheardatthebeach.com/

http://www.overheardintheoffice.com/

http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/

[JoeWilliams]

This one had me on the floor:

(702): We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
(1-702): Yes and so do I

[Curmudgeon]

You have never laughed until you get to this site...

"Fuck My Life"

http://www.fmylife.com/maintenance.php


Some samples:

Today, while reading some chemistry notes I came across the term "solid water". Completely stumped, I asked myself "what the hell is solid water??". Then I heard my little cousin say "ice". I'm a 4th year science major in university. He still checks the closet for monsters. FML

Today, my mom's car broke down after leaving the movies. We were waiting on a corner for my dad when a cop pulled up to us. He started to arrest me and my mom for "soliciting sex." Even a cop thinks my mom dresses like a hooker. FML

Today, I came home to find a sock I previously used to whack off on my bed with googly eyes and a mouth drawn on it with a note that read "because you can't find a real girl I made your current one prettier, Love Mom." FML

Today, McDonalds charged me 21 cents for a honey mustard packet. The jerk manager made me break a $50 bill. So I grabbed all their napkins, carried them into the parking lot and tossed them all into the air in protest and drove off. Down the road, I realized I left my wallet at the counter. FML

Today, my 9 year old nephew found his way onto my iTunes. I now have 401 songs titled "aidfj3P" by "ffjiel". FML

[Vig]

Oh man...I just lost it...hard. I'm seriously in tears here lol

(480): So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.

[CommonHighrise]

Today, I had a very intense sexual dream that made me come and left me panting when I woke up. It was the best orgasm I'd ever had. The trouble was, it wasn't about a hot girl, or anything sexy. It was about bacon. FML

Apparently, someone from one of the many bacon threads has been posting there..