Workplace Humor

[axmdr40]

This Thread is for all those stories about stupid people or funny things you've encountered while on the job.

Working in the Student Union of an urban university campus, I encounter not only the morons of the academic world, but also lots of crazies who are either homeless or just like to wander. Today, I've got a few recent ones:

-While checking on a meeting room supposed to be unlocked for a student group's meeting, I find the door locked..hmm, that's not right. Unlock it, lights off, girls head pops up, textbook flies open, guy zips his pants up...yeah, there are better places to get some, why do you choose here people?

-Group of females practicing for "The Vagina Monologues" report weird noises coming from nearby restroom...guess what the creepy old man was doing?!

-Late last night or early this morning the garage door and part of a wall to our loading dock is destroyed by a truck. Perpetrator left scene, did not report incident to police. Only two trucks come at night, Garbage man and the guy who picks up the cardboard boxes for recycling. Oh, and there is a camera...people are so dumb. Even better, this all occurred about 50ft from a 7-11 that you cannot drive by between the hours of 11am-6am without seeing a cop, or 5, or 10 cops. They didn't know about it until notified around 6am by building staff.

[Intrigue]

Well, it's tough to comment because I work in a bank, and confidentiality is a pretty big deal, so you have to be pretty careful, however I do have a good one.

Some people do not like to take responsibility for their own actions, and this is a prime example.

A woman pulled into a parking spot, opposite of my car (so the cars were nose to nose). Well, I go out for a cigarette break, and notice her car (rusty old lincoln) up against my car (brand new, special order paint job, [leased] sports/luxury sedan, my pride and joy).

So, I do a 360, and walk back in and start asking who has the lincoln. The lady sitting at one of the customer service desks hears me ask about 5 people. I finally get to her, and she says yes, that is her car.

I mention that she hit my car, and she immediately denied it. I said, okay, if we can't work this out like adults, we'll have to get the police involved. Well, I call the non-emergency line, and the cops are on their way.

She gets in her car, gets on the cell phone, and starts freaking out, then starts her car. I said "Miss, please calm down, and please don't leave, it will only make it more difficult on all of us". So she gets out and starts FREAKING out at me. At this point, I was getting angry, so I went inside and got one of my CSRs to stand with me, just to act as my "safety" in case she tried to claim that I threatened her, or tried to go to my boss and tell her than I acted out of order.

The police get there, she starts yelling at the cop, and then the lady's husband pulls up (i'm assuming that is who she called). Well he comes over and starts freaking out at me, so I said to him "Calm down, YOUR wife hit MY car. Don't sit here and yell at me."

Needless-to-say, the cop asked him nicely three times to leave, and the woman kept wandering across the parking lot and refusing to speak to the officer. She ended up making some threatening comments to me, and the officer told her to cool off for a bit before she opens her mouth again.

He ended up writing her a ticket, and giving me a card with her insurance info written on it.

That evening, I stop by my dealer, and get an estimate. Ready for this? Her license plate bracket put two holes in my front bumper, and it scuffed it up a bit. Total damage is around 500$. Next to nothing for an insurance claim.

Well, that wasn't enough for miss crazy. She decided to come into my bank (where I have an excellent reputation as a supervisor for honesty, hard work, and enthusiasm). She throws a temper tantrum, yelling at my boss about me. My boss stood up for me, and the CSR I brought out denied her claims.

Eventually, my boss called the police and asked them to remove her, and got in contact with the same officer.

The police added harassment to the accident report, and drew up a formal police report.

Next, I get a call from the next branch of my bank. Apparently, there is a woman there causing a scene about an accident at my branch, and yelling about an employee that was threatening her. That branch manager called my regional manager, then called us.

The police were called again, and one more harassment incident was added to my police report, along with the words "Stalking" and "Threats" as she was obviously trying to harm my credibility with my employer.

The cop says if she bothers you again, call us, and we're taking her away.

Guess what... She bothered me again, I called the police. They took her away.

All this because of $500 in damages to a car that she didn't want to accept responsibility for. I distinctly remember the officer saying "Don't stand here and question my judgement and my ability to discern facts from your lies, questioning my ability as a police officer."

Yeah, well, she ended up getting taken in for trespassing, and harassment, or something to that effect. I didn't really care about the details, I just wanted my car fixed for the damage it caused.

To give you an idea of how calm I normally am in these situations, fast forward to Dec 25, 2006 (Yes, Christmas, While I was eating with my family, car parked on the side of a neighborhood road). *CRASH*, second time my car was hit while parked. Young girl in a new Civic does over 3000$ in damage to the same car. I went outside, got her Ins info, police came, took pictures/statements. She was obviously upset, and I joked around with her, and told her that I had some parking lot dings on that side anyway, and now they would be fixed; trying to make her feel better.

But when you avoid responsibility like Woman #1 did, when you hit a parked car (what could your excuse possibly be?), and then act totally irrationally and crazy, then I have no qualms about letting the police deal with you as they like.

I swear, this car is bad luck!

[jdlv4_0]

While working as a security guard in Downtown Detroit at a high-rise apartment builing on midnights, I once had a drunk guy come in and try to convince me that he was a vampire, I held up the club from under the desk and told him to get out before he got staked.

While working as a restaurant manager on midnights I was a "witness" for this biker dude marrying his girl by placing his Harley ring on her hand. On the same job I had two body builders get in a fight during bar rush, NO WAY IN HELL was I going to try and break that one up. One of the other manager's sisters was a waitress there and once a guy grabbed her butt and Ed came around and body slammed the guy through a table.

OHHHH the PIMP, can't leave the pimp out of this, honest to God true story.

Again at the restaurant job, this guy walks in wearing a white on white suit covered in yellow and green rhinestones, big @$$ white hat with a green feather, accompanied with 4 "working girls". They get seated at the big corner booth, guy in the middle lays a bank roll and a nickel plated .38 on the table and starts counting....yeah cops got called on that one.

[Willtallica]

I herd ruff, ruff, ruff, i'm a puppy! I turned around to see this asian girl staring at me. She looked adorable, and I've been meaning to ask her about that.

[LorDiego01]

I may or may not have been a witness to the following happening at a chain store that shall remain unamed during my late highschool years. Just to give you a hint, the store starts with K and ends with Mart.

Turns out the night manager had the brilliant idea that the best way to staff the Garden Shop section during night shift (5pm-10pm) was to fill it with high-school kids.
They figured that very few people come in to shop for dirt and plants at night, so we couldnt possibly do much damage.

Take into account that the Garden Shop section is almost its own separate building, and had no security cams during that time. Hilarity ensues.

* hour and half "fifteen minute" breaks.
* the one kid took his job very seriously and offered all kinds of plants for sale..
* ForkLift races in the back parking lot. 'nuff said.

and my favorite one..

* The head of security finds the WHOLE GardenShop staff inside a van doing bong hits and shots of very cheap whiskey. She looks very upset and says.. "Jesus Christ, Im not in the mood for this shit!", does a 180, heads back in the store and never mentions a word to anybody. Ever.


I've had a lot of intresting jobs during the years, of my most favorite ones was driving a horse carriage in Old City, Philly and giving history tours during the day and romantic dates at night. This is a picture of me and Oliver. We were partners for a year.


We were allowed to stay out until 11pm, but sometimes the fines you would get would be much lower than what you could pull in so the boss would tell us to stay out either way.

So its a gorgeous spring Saturday night, its 12:40am and Im heading back to the stable after a long hard day at work, when all of the sudden, on 5th and Market some a-hole in a limo cuts me off and slams his breaks right in front of me. Out comes a man in a very fancy suit, he tells me how much for a ride for him and his friends. I explain to him that me and my partner Oliver were done for the day and we were breaking the law just by being there.

The man in the fancy suit pulls out two $100 bills, hands them to me and says "Just give us a half hour trip.. and by the way tip is not included yet..".

Oliver winks at me says. "Go for it!!!"


(BTW 1/2 hour was $35 bucks, of which I got $26)

So out of the limo comes two other guys with some beverages and two "ladies" that looked like they were in for a wild night.

At first they were calm, 10 minutes into it I hear them snorting really loud. Me being naive and innocent, assumed they had allergies and that white powder was just their medicine.

Then things went crazy! THe ladies started flashing random people in the street! And one of them jumped into the drivers seat and started getting real frisky with me. Something about my sexy latin accent she said! The gentlemen got real loud and obnoxious, also yelling at people on the street, while the second lady somehow managed to give all three of them a lap dance in a moving carriage.

After their time was up, I took them back to their limo, the dude hands me another $100, thanks me for a great time, while I give a few carrots for the ladies to feed to Oliver.

Goddamn! What a great night! And yes, Oliver got several pounds of fresh fruits & carrots the next morning for his hard work!

[PA Rifleman]

If you’ve ever worked in a auto garage and suspected the boss gives meaningless jobs, it’s probably to keep idle hands busy. Decades ago, as a new wrench I witnessed a couple of interesting exchanges in the shop.

In one instance, orangutan #1 (a budding rokkit scientist, don’t-cha-no) discovers a VW electrical fuse fit inside the bore of his blowgun. Opening the air valve made the fuse come out. Fast. Taping over the safety vent holes made the fuse come out very fast. Turning the air regulator up to 150 psi really polished his weapon system off, and all he needed was a target. Orangutan #2, on the opposite end of the shop, is half asleep (from the previous night’s experiences with recreation pharmaceuticals) and looking the other way when a VW fuse zips past his head in a very flat trajectory. Not to be outdone, Orangutan #2 slaps together a similar shop mortar and an artillery duel ensues. It quickly escalates to grease guns, water and anything else that will throw something else. In the middle bay, chimp #3, now marooned on a tire machine, arranges wheel weights around a stuck bead on a car tire and then ducks as he give the tire one last shot of air to seat the bead. This pneumatic Claymore mine shattered every fluorescent light tube in the shop and showered broken glass over everyone, and the white powder inside snowed down on everything too.

It seems like bodily functions and bathrooms are an endless wellspring of humor. One hapless mechanic went to use the hopper. Another threw a lit case of bottle rockets in the bathroom and barred the door shut. When the screaming & bottle rockets were done, the prankster was waiting outside with a water hose for the grand finale.

Fortunately this garage is no longer in operation.

[GRoPA]

Since having an office job I have enjoyed the pleasure of farting in someone else's chair. When they come back and sit down it is puffed up out of the chair and they get to enjoy it. Meanwhile, you are long gone.

[SGTUSArmy]

I worked tech support for Creative Labs in Stillwater, OK. Creative Labs is the maker of Soundblaster, Modemblaster, and the parent company of Ensoniq, Cambridge Soundworks, and a few others. At the time, the Soundblaster Live! had just come out. A few of my favorites.

A guy calls in, his soundcard is not working. I went through the usual steps, had him remove the case, put it in a different slot, and what not. Finally, I am about to issue an RMA. I ask him for the serial number for the card. He gives it awfuly fast. I ask where the card is, he tells me it is on top of the computer, with the speakers plugged into it. (I had to mute the phone for about 5 minutes.)

Another guy calls and complains that since he installed the soundcard, his computer would not boot up. He lets me go through several tries at troubleshooting the soundcard, about 15 minutes, and this was not a toll free number. He says he needs to get a flashlight, the lights won't come because of a power outage. (again, I had to mute the phone.) I then informed him to call back when he had power.

Then there was the guy who thought getting his computer working was more important than his life. The guy calls, and we are starting troubleshooting, had a real issue. He puts me on hold, comes back and says he may have to leave in a hurry. The police had provided him with instructions that he had to leave shortly due to a wildfire. I offered to call him back, but we got it finished before the fire consumed his house.

Then there is when I was working at the Facility Control Office, Okinawa. (we were the supervisory level tech guys.) We had some communications links in Iraq, right after the invasion started. We had one that we could not contact the distant end on. The mission was supposed to have been up two days prior, and we had no luck yet. Higher headquarters was breathing down my neck. I got involved. I talked to my satellite guys, and got the number to the next closest comms unit. I called them and this Sergeant said sure, he could send some guys over to find out what the deal was, but he would wait till sunrise. I didn't understand why sunrise, so I asked. He explained that he enjoyed life and didn't want to have to explain another HMMWV (humvee) shot up by friendly forces after he sent two guys for fuel the night prior. I accepted this, called my Officer in Charge, and higher headquarters, didn't get another call about this issue for 2 days.

[jdlv4_0]

While in the Marines, one of the best pranks was to get a hold on someoned cover (hat) and stuff it in an empty milkjug, fill with water and freeze.

While working in another restaurant, there was an old guy who mopped the floors every night and would only use "his" mop, well "his" mop ended up in a 5 galon bucket full of water every night competely frozen solid.

For those who do work in an office, find a coworker with a cloth chair preferably of dark color, and soak with water, the padding of the chair will work as a sponge untill your coworker sits down and soaks his pants.

[knight0334]

I used to work for a mom & pop cable system in the DuBois area, following are true events.

1. A request for construction was made to get service to a house about 1000ft from our lines, so I went out and engineered the job then did a quick price quote when I got back to my vehicle. Once I had my figures, I went to the home and knocked on the door. No answer, so I started to walk back to the car. Then the door opened up and there was a woman fresh out of the shower with just a towel on. ...a rather nice looking woman. I did an about face and stated my name and business, then mentioned the construction charges. She asked me to come in, but giving the situation, I told her I'd rather stay outside to avoid any misunderstandings. She went back in for her check book then came back. When she was trying to write a check her towel dropped off completely. She made NO attempt to cover herself, like as if the towel was still on her. As she was handing over the check(still nekkid) her husband/boyfriend pulled in the driveway from work and was looking quite PO'd. A big man, lots of muscles.. He started to do a fast walk towards us like he was about to go postal, but as soon as he stepped on the porch he started laughing. He then joked around about their voyeur lifestyle.

2. A couple years later at same residence... I was filling in as a technician due to a bad storm rolling through. I happened to grab the trouble ticket for that house. When I got there, the couple seemed to be pre-occupied with something. All I had to do is replace the service wire from the pole to the house. ..I did my job then went to the front door to get a signature, at that time I heard the guy yell, "we're on the back porch!!". I then walked around and there they were.. He was sitting back in a lawn chair with a beer in one hand and the top of her head in the other. I laughed, wished them a good day, and went back to the office.

3. Then there was the teenage girl with all the sex toys too. I was supervising the crew one day when I asked to come to a home. One of my technicians, a female, felt a little weird about this house. ..well all was well. The mother let us in to run the new line to her daughter's room. As we are pulling the cable thru the holes, a box of toys falls out of the top of a closet spilling all over the floor. When it happened, the mother and daughter were standing there watching. I think we ALL turned red at the same time, with my technician and I trying to keep a straight face. The daughter was about to go into a panic attack as she scrambled to pickup her stuff. As we were leaving, I could hear the mom going off on the girl.