How do you choose your friends?

[625]

I simply wonder why so many people pretend to be friends with or are friends with other people who have a completely different set of principals, values, and definition of what freedom is. I’m strictly targeting friends here, not family, because you are stuck with them no matter how whacky they are. Life, to me, is too short to be wasting time with people that have a different definition of freedom. I really don’t care how witty, smart, or funny you are, if you think restricting the few rights I have left, is a good idea. Most people I know seem to be friends with people they have little in common with. I don't get it.

[Belasarius]

I'll take a stab at this. I've been giving it some thought lately because I've joined the Face Book generation and have friends that are quite liberal. I've thought about the need to have a space where I can say what I really want to say and post jokes, pictures and articles that reflect what I believe. But I do care about not offending some people I really like.

One guy that I really used to like, was the executive officer on one of my ship's and I really though he had his act together. Well, we're all retired now and NOW he's a very liberal gay attorney trying to get gay marriage passed up in a New England state. He 'unfriended' me quietly. Not a big loss. We weren't good friends but I did think he was a good officer.

Through Classmates.com, Togetherweserved and some other sites I'm back in contact with people I went to nursery school and primary school with. Heck, we didn't divide up into Democrats and God Fearing Patriotic Republicans until we were at least 4 or five years old. I still really like these people.

My best friends a few years ago were old style Massachusetts Democrats I met through little league. For their son's birthday I brought him one of those t-shirts with a silkscreen of George W. Bush looking out and pointing and saying, "Saving your ass -whether you like it or not!" It was a big hit. He put it on immediately and then went and danced around in front of his grandma who smiled and shot poison darts at me with her eyes.

Some people cannot disagree friendly. I've had several hysterical friends like that, mostly women, who hated GW and hate Sarah Palin. They get spun up immediately and don't seem to be able to control themselves. One of them made a pretty good case for me marrying her but I couldn't see it. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with somebody who doesn't share my outlook any closer than that.

I used to hike a lot on the Appalachian trail with a trail club. Most of the hiking members were tree huggers. Most of the trail maintainers were conservative. Despite that I made a lot of friends in the hugging group and was the only conservative invited to a big sleepover at one of the trail club houses in Harpers Ferry the Halloween weekend before the 2004 election. I was the only one without a Kerry-Edwards bumper sticker. Most of them seemed to have 3 or four. There were a lot of worried faces that night. Then I brought out all the chocolate and we got whacked out on chocolate and wine.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that I don't have a political litmus test for people I befriend as long as they are not obnoxious about it. I even let them be obnoxious as long as they aren't aggressive and offensive about it. I don't mind when they cry and pull their hair when they lose an election or something.

[Agent Smith]

I've been very lucky in the friends department. Most of my friends and I grew up on the same street together since we were toddlers, and we all pretty much share all the same interests. Most of us are avid firearm enthusiasts, and we all pretty much share the same political beliefs among other things in life. The friends I grew up with I would take a bullet for if I had to.

[customloaded]

All of my friends are:

1) US Military but specifically, Infantry
2) Current or former LEO
3) Served in Iraq with me
4) mmm, well yup, that just about covers it.

All others are acquiantances

[fingers80002]

friends find you, you don't find them.......

[Sandcut]

friends find you, you don't find them.......

I'll second that.

A true friend is someone that you can disgree with 100% and still like unconditionally. Failing this, I'd say you're probably just good acquaintances. Many folks are never fortunate enough to know the difference.

I can count the number of friends that I have on one hand. Fortunately, one's my wife. We don't see eye to eye on a lot of things. If both of us agreed on everything all the time, one of us would be superfluous.

[Elmar]

I get along with almost everyone. I'm a straight white male who loves guns, was in the military, and can't stand PC bullshit. I'm friends with two lesbian artists, one who is a commie, hell I've been friends with a lesbian who thought the solution to all the worlds problems is to kill 90% of the male population of the planet and keep the rest for breeding stock. I made her sad when I pointed out 99% of women and more would be against you in order to protect their son, husband, brother. I lent a friend money so he could go campaign for Obama - he was willing to sacrifice his time for a cause he believed in. Sure it was entirely the wrong cause but I wanted him to be able to do it.

Very few people are able to be friends and hold differing views because they equate those view to some moral evil. It's not, most of the time its the lenses through which they look at the world from childhood and/or ealy exposure to adult ideas. They are good people, they are just lazy in applying that goodness to the world. They take easy routes, shortcuts in thinking, they over-simplify, they mimic what other "smart" people say, they don't settle contradictions in their positions. Some of them are smart, some just don't care enough about politics to understand how much it affects them (which would make them care - and some don't even care enough about themselves to care about caring).

[ungawa]

They cook food for me

[jahwarrior72]

I simply wonder why so many people pretend to be friends with or are friends with other people who have a completely different set of principals, values, and definition of what freedom is. I’m strictly targeting friends here, not family, because you are stuck with them no matter how whacky they are. Life, to me, is too short to be wasting time with people that have a different definition of freedom. I really don’t care how witty, smart, or funny you are, if you think restricting the few rights I have left, is a good idea. Most people I know seem to be friends with people they have little in common with. I don't get it.

i read this a couple of times today, and it just hit me how sad it sounds.

basically, you're saying that it's impossible for you to be able to see things from another person's perspective, thus making it nearly impossible to empathize with anyone not similar to you. that's a pretty narrow view of the world, and a dark place to live in.

how do you expect to learn anything about people, and the world, if you only ever deal with people who think like you do? every conversation will be the same one, rehashed again and again. no dialogues, just and endless agreements. it's disturbing.

my friends are few, but cherished to me. few of them are like me, in thought or ethics, or personality. and that's a good thing.

[dc dalton]

friends find you, you don't find them.......

I'll second that!

Nice to see a philosophical thread happening for a change.

But I'm going to cheat here if I may because I wrote something for my blog years ago just about this topic. It is about a man Tootie and I grew to love as a father but it is also exactly how we feel about friends. A little long but I hope you take the time to read it and enjoy it.

The old saying goes there are friends and then there are friends, in my book the saying should go there are friends & the rest all want something out of you. Maybe I’m a little naive (yeah as pure as the driven mud) but you have to wonder what the hell ever happened to the concept of friendship? When did friendship become a front to suck as much as you can out of another human being &amp then wander off like nothing ever happened? It seems to me these days you have to approach every new friend with the premise they want to use you, cover your butt type stuff, and hopefully you will be wrong ….. it is truly sad.


Plain & simple I wasn’t brought up like that. Growing up in the midwest (NE Ohio to be specific) we were taught the infamous golden rule and were told to treat others with respect and to give of ourselves, to help our fellow man when we could. I for one really believed what they told me and saw that indeed a better world could come from these type actions. I had no delusions about the world though and realized you had to be somewhat careful when attempting to give. I kind of took the golden rule, combined it with PT Barnums line, a sucker is born every minute & two to take em, and made up my own rule. Basically it was help when you can, don’t expect anything in return and don’t be surprised if you get screwed in the process. Optimistic? No, but I still thought giving was a good thing and wasn’t ready to give up on people that easily. At 19 I moved to the New York metro area, I still remember my mother telling me “watch out for those east coast people, they will stab you in the back in a second”. Honestly I think this was the only thing she ever said to me that turned up to be 100% on the money. Not that everyone on the east coast turned out that way BUT the atmosphere there was permeated with distrust. What’s even stranger is the fact that I feel this same tension around every big city I go to. So I must ask the question, whatever happened to trusting one another, friendship, caring, giving of yourself without expecting something in return, just plain old fashioned friendship?

So what’s a friend? Actually I have a great example. His name was John Flood, we all called him Pop. When I first met him in the early 90’s I thought he was the meanest old bastard I had ever had the displeasure of coming in contact with. But at the same time I thought I saw something else there and when I looked deeper I started to see this gruff old man had set up a facade around himself, I’m assuming to keep the major jerks away from him. For years he hung around the Garage I worked at, towed cars for us, shooting the shit most of the time but every once in a while he would see you were having problems with something and he would try to help in any way he could. I started to realize he really knew what he was talking about and started asking him before I beat my brains in. We started talking more and becoming friends. When I did work on his vehicles I was always told “don’t take any money from him” by my boss & at the time I really didn’t understand. He still managed to sneak a few bucks in my pocket every once in a while so I didn’t complain.

Quite a few years later I was off into my own business & Pop started coming around, offering help where he could and always with some way to make you smile when you needed it, our friendship started to grow. It was only then that I started to realize what they meant when they told me not to take his money. If I needed Pop, I mean REALLY needed him he was there in an instant. One time my wife broke down almost 300 miles away from home. We had no towing and she probably had $40 in her pocket. Pop didn’t think twice before he said he would be there in 10 minutes. We drove hours to get her and bring her back safely and when I asked him how much he just smiled and said “Pay for the fuel”. When I tried to give him more he flat out refused, he just grinned with that bedeviled grin of his and said “we’ll make it up down the road”. To make matters worse when I serviced his truck he would insist he paid me, realizing we were struggling to make our business a success and oh man did we fight about that! Over the years he pulled my fat out of the fire more times than I can count and ANYTIME Pop needed anything I made damn sure I was there for him. I was starting to see his point of view, his reasoning for what he did and why he did it, his deep belief that people were more important than things, or money.

You see Pop had lived an amazing life, been there done it and had the wrinkles to prove it. In my mind he had come to a higher level of life that most of us will never know. He achieved this higher level from the school of hard knocks and, I think, had come to the realization that no matter how much money or “things” you had nothing was as fulfilling as giving to others when they needed it. He knew in the blink of an eye if you were struggling to get by and adjusted any money he MIGHT ask for accordingly. He honestly gave constantly of himself with absolutely no intention of repayment. He realized that people and friends where the most important thing in life. He really had nothing in the physical sense, his tow truck, a dog & the ever present coffee and cigarettes. But he was a rich man. He was a rich man because he had friends. He could stop at anyones house he called a friend and sit down for a cup of coffee and a good hour of BS. It was the people that mattered, nothing else. He used to call and say “lets go for a ride” just because. He loved bringing over some great fruit or something else he had found at some roadside stand. He loved just interacting with the human race, well at least most of them. He was the kind of guy who was so loved he could make a suggestive comment to a waitress at the diner and she would hug him, smile and pour him more coffee because the waitress knew how pure the comment was, that it was never meant to harm. Honestly there wasn’t a mean bone in the mans body, unless you hurt a friend of his. He was an example to all of us, a goal to strive for, the person we all want to be deep down inside.

Pop died a few years ago, a victim of too many years with too many miles. I was out of state at the time & didn’t find out until a month after he was buried. I honestly wept like a baby when I found out & to this day miss him more than any other person I have ever met. My wife and I, to this date have not been able to go to his grave. We know how devastating it will be & prefer to remember him as he was the last time we saw him. I feel blessed to have called him a friend and feel his legacy was the thousands of people he touched in some way. Pop, in his small way, was trying to show us how to treat each other, even though he would have denied any such ideal. He would have laughed and told me I was full of it. But that was his way. He gave without regards to himself. When he saw you were down and in need of help he offered anything he was capable of. He touched so many people in this way that he will be remembered, at least in this area, for generations to come.

So where am I going with this. Well if the point hasn’t driven itself home yet I think you need to get tested to make sure you are alive. No we don’t need to go around giving like Pop did, just give when we see the need. You see someone is struggling with a door, try opening it. A young mother is trying to get 10 bags of groceries into the trunk while 3 kids are crying, offer to help. Will some of them look at you funny, probably; but folks it has to start somewhere. One little act of kindness directed towards another person can turn into the beginnings of a movement. It doesn’t take thousands of dollars or any great sacrifice on your part, it only takes a brief minute of kindness. Don’t wait for holidays or a reason, try to do SOME small act of kindness and generosity each and every day no matter how trivial it may seem. Try thinking of what the other person feels like at that moment and how you would feel if you were in the same situation. You never know the great people you might meet and the friends you might make. Honestly, in this day and age couldn’t we all use more friends? Why not just make some small attempt to put the human back in human being………. Pop would think that was neat.

That's for Pop, damn we miss him, we still love him and we try to live by his example each and every day! Our friends mean everything to us, we will defend them to the end, help them whenever we can and treasure them like family!