"What I've Learned About Guns"

[DaveM55]

Section 1: HANDGUNS:

9mm: The 9mm round is widely regarded as least effective of all service caliber handgun rounds. In spite of its low price, it is generally only good for "pissing off bad-guys", and reported to be only marginally effective at breaking their skin. Additionally, if the attacker is wearing a winter coat, the user is essentially “screwed”. Subsequently, it is recommended that 9mm users carry at least three 15-round magazines, because the 9mm ballistically requires at least a dozen rounds per attacker.


.40 S&W: The .40 caliber handgun round is inferior in every way to the venerable .45 ACP or mighty 10mm, yet is only marginally superior to the “pathetically underpowered” 9mm. Still, there are a few noted "experts" who rely on this round. These small and isolated groups include members such as the FBI, and police agencies across the United States. However, it should be noted that the FBI and police agencies have little choice in the matter. The agencies are virtually required to use the .40 because they are self-described "limp-wristed pussies" who are simply not up to the task of mastering the fearsome 10mm or .45 ACP cartridges. The .40 S&W round is an inherently compromised caliber, which is also appropriate for citizens who are too embarrassed to carry a 9mm, but too physically and emotionally weak to carry a .45 or 10mm. (Caution: It has also been noted that the .40 will likely detonate a gun within 6-7 months.)

.45 ACP: The .45 ACP is dubbed the "macho man's" caliber, but in reality it is so disgustingly slow that the average man can basically outrun it, or just simply catch it with a good quality catcher's mitt. This caliber is usually only appropriate for old men who like to relive the days of their past through their own distorted views of reality. In real life situations, one is ballistically better off by flinging a glass or metal ashtray at an attacker than shooting him with a .45 ACP. Plastic ashtrays may equal the ballistics of the .45 ACP, so it is advisable to use whichever is most convenient at the time.


10mm: This round has 2 competing theories. Theory A) Proponents of Theory #1 say... "The 10mm is essentially an overpowered rifle round that can somehow be fired from a pistol. It was engineered and inspired by (----insert religious deity----) himself. Although it takes a man built like Hulk Hogan to manage such a potent round, you can rest assured that it will kill muggers or Grizzly bears in one shot... with ease!"
Theory B) Proponents of Theory #2 say... "The 10mm sucks! It is basically like an overpriced .45 ACP round, and suffers from the same problems of all pistol rounds. Besides, it's only 1mm bigger than a nine, so how can it be that great?! But God forbid you have to shoot someone with it... it will surely over penetrate the attacker by a good 4-5 miles, and cause a swath of lawsuit-inducing destruction in its path!!"


.357 magnum: The .357 magnum round is described as an excellent round for anyone physically too weak to rack the slide on a semi-automatic pistol. Its downfall is that the user must fire the round from one of those "old-fogey-style" revolvers, which most internet experts agree "totally suck". The .357's popular "proven history of stopping power" is a pointless discussion in modern conversation, because in the era of its prime, all handgun rounds were produced in full metal jackets. Most modern day firearm scienticians ask, "How could anyone prefer something from the era before hollow-point rounds came out!!?!?" It should be conceded though, that this is an acceptable self-defense round in some cases.


.38 Special: The .38 Special round is ALSO described as an excellent round for anyone physically too weak to rack the slide on a semi-automatic pistol. The .38 Special is unique in that it offers less recoil than the .357, which is admired by its chief users: women over the age of 40, and elderly men requiring testosterone-replacement therapy. Unfortunately, the .38 special is even weaker than the pitiful 9mm, and the only weapon that will fire the .38 is a 6-shot revolver. Logically, since it statistically requires at least 10 rounds of .38 special to stop an attacker... using this round in a 6-shot revolver is akin to a "death wish". However, "something is better than nothing" when it comes to personal defense.


.22LR, .25ACP, .32 ACP, .380 auto: These rounds may be grouped into a single category of undeniable worthlessness. Firearms specialists concur that, given the weight of the guns that actually "fire" these puny rounds, a person is statistically better protected by carrying a pocketknife or pocket Bible. The knife may be logically used to fend off an attacker, while the Bible may be employed to help the user recite various prayers in an attempt to call upon an "Act of God" to defend himself. However, if one MUST employ one of these rounds, it is wise to use the .380 auto, as it is the least anemic of the bunch. (The .380 auto may occasionally penetrate a human neck or eyeball.)


.357 Sig: Internet experts from across the globe agree that this round is indeed marginally appropriate for self-defense, but most excellent for people who enjoy spending a lot of money on their ammo, and/or for those individuals who like to make themselves sound important. This round is reported to be ballistically no better than a 9mm +p, but rumored to cost at least twice as much as the venerable .44 magnum! As a side note, this round may also be acceptable for bureaucracies who are legally required to waste a lot of taxpayer money on supplies. The .357 Sig may also be considered a wise investment for investors, as it is expected to become more valuable pound-for-pound than gold in the coming months.

.44 Magnum: Internet ballistic experts concur that the .44 magnum is far, far too powerful for human application of any kind. The .44 Magnum round’s ballistics lie somewhere between the impact of a 19th century 12-pounder mountain Howitzer, and the impact of a modern FIM-92 Stinger surface-to-air missile. Should an individual actually be forced to fire a .44 Magnum cartridge at another human being, he or she should be prepared to deal with the emotional devastation that will occur when the round inevitably passes though your attacker, and slays any (and every) living thing in its path… for the next 8-10 miles. If this situation happens to you, then you should also pre-emptively sell all of your Earthly-owned assets to fund your incoming massive legal battle. The .44 Magnum cartridge is best relegated to reside in museums, much like the first atomic bombs, to remind us of the potential destructive power of mankind’s technology.


.45 GAP: The .45 GAP can best be described as the “Very rich, weak, & mildly retarded man’s .45 ACP”. Given these constraints, the .45 GAP represents the single greatest advancement in the history of handgun ammunition ever witnessed by mankind! (As long as one slightly confines his or her perspective.) The revolutionary GAP offers 73% of the power of .45 ACP in a compact package, while still fitting the standard woman’s grip size! The .45 GAP was designed to fulfill a niche demanded by expert teenage female shooters, and fulfills that niche nicely.

“What niche”, you may ask? The niche in which the .45 GAP truly shines, is in fulfilling the much needed role where a young female shooter demands a caliber that is slightly less powerful than a .45 ACP (but slightly more powerful than a 9mm), holds half as many rounds than the .45 ACP (while costing twice as much per round), yet can only be fired from a small percentage of miniaturized, expensive and elusive handguns. Please be advised that in this specialized niche, the .45 GAP reigns as undisputed king, and should be regarded as such.


The GLOCK Ah, the venerable GLOCK. This gun has at least 2 theories, which will briefly be described here. Theory 1) Proponents of Theory #1 say... "The GLOCK handgun is the ultimate handgun, and is mankind's fourth greatest invention..... following the wheel, fire, and the computer. The gun is unique in that it will kill any attacker, regardless of the ammunition used, in with any handgun caliber! GLOCK truly represents "perfection" in all of its mechanical forms, and it will literally last forever!" Technically speaking, the gun is estimated to only last at approximately 9 millenniums before showing noticeable signs of wear. Scientists have actually proven that the only 2 things left on Earth after a nuclear catastrophe will be cockroaches, and GLOCK pistols. A GLOCK pistol itself is so accurate, reliable, deadly, and beautifully crafted, that it is LITERALLY dangerous for the human eye to behold. In most religions, it is technically considered blasphemy for a human being to speak a word against a GLOCK.
Theory 2) This crowd feels that.... "The GLOCK is just some 1980's ****ty technology that caught a lucky break. The gun is 94% plastic, and looks about as attractive as an L-shaped brick. The gun is only popular with militaries and law-enforcement because it is so damned cheap!" It is also recommended this group that the user keeps the gun unloaded and pointed away from anyone at all times because the gun has no safety mechanisms. Due to its lack of external safeties and poor design, the gun is known to randomly fire off rounds without any warning, manipulation, or provocation from the user. On some occasions, the gun has actually been rumored to reload itself, and should be considered armed and extremely dangerous!


The Revolver: This handgun is perfect for anyone who is physically too weak to rack slide on a semi-automatic pistol, or for anyone who wishes to commit violent crimes and evade the law afterwards! The unique characteristics of the revolver make it an excellent weapon for senior citizens, and assassins alike. Elderly citizens will adore the revolver, due to the fact that is has no overly complex buttons or switches to confuse them. Likewise, assassins will enjoy the revolver because it does not leave behind any incriminating shells at a blood-soaked crime scene. Therefore, the best logical candidate for a revolver is a senior citizen who also happens to be an assassin. In this role, the classic revolver reigns supreme. It is worth mentioning, however, that no other tactical argument can be made for the revolver.


The 1911 Pistol: This pistol represents old-fashioned American ingenuity, innovation, and charlatanism at its finest! Experts agree, that as long as one excludes consideration of any other American firearm produced in the past 150 years, that the 1911 pistol is undeniably the greatest American firearm ever created. Sadly, this weapon has achieved a cult following over the years, because the creator, John Moses Browning, was literally the headmaster of a firearm-related cult. Like the Biblical Moses, John Moses Browning also sought out to achieve a legion of loyal followers. John Moses used the popularity of his infamous pistol to attain this end goal. It is a little known fact, that the unreasonably high (yet often unquestioned) prices demanded for the venerable 1911 pistols still serve to fund the cult’s activities!


TAURUS Firearms: “If you are a South American drug lord, we want your business!!” At least, this is the motto TAURUS is considering for it’s next advertising campaign. Here is the stock photo used for the ad campaign: http://www.taurususa.com/products/pr...ategory=Pistol Preliminary market research suggests that 94% of Columbian Cocaine lords prefer such a finish on a firearm.

TAURUS is a revolutionary, yet elusive firearms company that is based somewhere in South America. Frustratingly, nobody who lives above the Equator actually “knows” where the TAURUS factories are located, simply because the TAURUS headquarters doesn’t know either. It is rumored that many of TAURUS guns are actually handmade by poor rainforest villagers, while other guns are stamped out in portable factories joint-operated by Taurus employees and reclusive cocaine dealers. Since 2001, TAURUS has gradually been diversifying into firearms that actually fire ammunition reliably, and this trend will likely accelerate in the future. This can be illustrated by the new Ecuadorian TAURUS facility that contains a 57-meter indoor shooting range. Several of the new products developed by Taurus have been rumored to fire rounds across the entire 57 meters! New developments from TAURUS will include both sporting and special purpose arms, which may (or may not) contain rust-semi-resistant finishes.


Kel-Tec Firearms: Kel-Tec CNC Inc is an American gun manufacturer that is firmly committed to the development and production of novel, high-performance* firearms that can comfortably** be carried in a pocket. Each Kel-Tec firearm offers a uniquely unreliable design, which only enhances a person’s odds of victory should he or she decide to engage in a game of Russian Roulette. As a bonus, the use of Kel-Tec pistols adds additional excitement to any self-defense scenario! Having said this, Kel-Tec firearms make excellent choices for gambling addicts, or for professional Russian roulette players. Also worth mentioning, is the extreme care that Kel-Tec takes in designing their aesthetically appealing guns. Kel-Tecs are world renown for their exquisite handmade*** beautiful craftsman ship.


* High-performance is defined by Kel-Tec as “having equal to, or less than, 6 (six) misfires, failures to feed, or failure to eject per magazine”.
** Comfortably is defined as “without causing extreme pain.”
*** Handmade is defined by Kel-Tec as “sort of machine-made, at least we think so.”


Section 2: RIFLES & LONG-GUNS

.223 Remington: This round is described as "the 9mm of the rifle world." Like the nine, it is generally only good for “pissing off bad-guys”, but admittedly, it is somewhat more effective at breaking their skin. However, if an attacker is wearing a HEAVY winter coat, many experts will concur that the .223 user is "totally screwed". Most rifles that fire the infamous .223 Remington come equipped with 20-30 round magazines, because ballistically it requires at least 7 or 8 rounds of .223 to stop one attacker.


AR15: This gun has 2 theories. Theory 1) Proponents of Theory #1 proclaim... "The AR15 is the single greatest firearm ever produced… EVER! It represents the absolute best combination of size, weight, reliability, ammo capacity, and accuracy of any rifle on the planet! It is absolutely deadly against anything and everything that walks on land… and never fails! Plus, the rifle looks totally Tacti-cool. It has served the US faithfully for over 30 years, and is the rifle of choice for anyone who has a say in the matter."
Theory 2) In contrast, proponents of Theory #2 say... "This gun is only accepted today because it was approved by uneducated government ignoramuses 30 years ago. It is the filthiest, worst designed, and least reliable gun ever invented! You'd better not have to use this one outdoors... where it may be exposed to sand, water, dirt, mud, air or sunlight... because it WILL jam. If the gun jams, it will then become only marginally effective as a club, because the gun is too light! God forbid you actually have to shoot someone with it; you will need your 30 round magazines, and then some! You may have to shoot someone 8-10 times to stop them." Unfortunately, due its lightweight, this rifle is not reported very useful as a club, because it is made 90% out of plastic. This rifle is generally best put to service in use as a hat rack, or child's playroom toy.


The AK47: This gun has 2 competing theories as well. Theory 1) Proponents of Theory #1 say... "The Ak47 is the best, most reliable gun ever made! It's the pinnacle of Soviet-era engineering. You can literally pour a mixture of hot tar, fine gravel, sand, and Aunt Jemima's Waffle Syrup down the barrel, and all over the gun's internals, and it will still function like new. In fact, the gun only came equipped with a cleaning rod and cleaning manual after 1995, just for legal liability purposes. Nobody actually "in the know" would be so bold to recommend that you should actually clean the gun. This gun is also great for anyone who likes to spend less on a gun than a tank of gas for his or her car. These things are so cheap!"
Theory 2) Proponents of Theory #2 say... "This rifle sucks!!! It's a horrifically inaccurate, and only good for the illiterate communist hicks who didn't know any better. The ammo is only marginally stronger than the puny .223, and the piss-poor sights are terrible!!!" From scientific standpoint, it appears that that the AK47's rear sight was engineered for the "squinty-eyed folk from the days of old", because the sights are impossible to use by 85-90% of the Caucasians in the modern day U.S.

The 12 Gauge Shotgun: This firearm is best described as the ultimate home-defense weapon… and is widely regarded as the only firearm that the user does not have to aim! This is especially useful for law-abiding blind citizens who have difficulty handling regular firearms. Even for those citizens who are blessed with proper eyesight, the 12-gauge owner has the luxury of not bothering to aim. This is sure to make any self-defense scenario less stressful, and more enjoyable.

Additionally, the shotgun is best known for its potential as a zombie-stopping device. Internet experts agree that in the inevitable Zombie-Invasion of 2013, the 12-Gauge shotgun will become the weapon of choice. The only debate concerning the incoming zombie invasion is whether the zombies will be “fast zombies”, or “slow zombies”. In the case of a “slow zombie” attack, the zombies will require several shotgun blasts to the head, while ironically the fast zombies are likely to fall with one blast to the center of mass.

[Kenshin]

If 44 magnum is what you say it is then what about the 50 AE and the 500 S&W magnum...

[Log9mm]

Seeing as I have enjoyed and respected many of your posts in the past, I will trust that this was written purely out of sarcasm. For which if that is the case, it is pretty damn funny!

[BUCKMARK]

This is also on Glock Talk, and yes it is a joke.

[Nate]

ROTFLOL!!! Thats hilarious!!!

[jsb889]

I was wondering what they'd say about the 7.62x54

Great article!

[rich]

That's some funny stuff. I think this may be one of those rare posts that will not start an intense debate. I would post more but I have to empty my safe out so I can take everything to the store tomorrow to trade for shotguns.

[wboggs]

Dave, who did that study?

[BradC]

fucking great, I love it.

Sucks that winter is here in PA and I all I have is my pussy 9mm.

[DaveM55]

It's a joke.