From the Duffelblog

[MT1]

I decided to start a thread about duffelblog.com firearm related articles. For those that are not familiar, duffelblog is a satirical website about the military.

Soldier Dies From Massive Erection After Firing .50-Cal For The First Time

FORT LEONARD WOOD — An Army soldier attending basic training died from a massive rush of blood to his penis after firing the M2 .50-caliber machine gun for the first time, sources confirmed.

Pvt. Alvero Rojas was six weeks into his basic training when his unit went to the range for familiarization fire with several of the Army’s crew served weapons.

“Rojas enlisted to become an Admin Specialist but we take all of our basic trainees to the range to fire these weapons to give them an idea of what it’s like,” said Sgt. 1st Class Alexander Pitts, Rojas’s lead Drill Sergeant. “Just because a soldier is slated to end up behind a desk doesn’t mean they won’t find themselves shooting a .50 or MK19 at some point.”

Rojas’s death was regretted by his entire basic training company.

“He was liked by everybody in the unit. He always found a way to liven everyone’s spirits when training got tough. I know he was so excited to fire the .50-cal,” said Private Stephanie Taylor. “All he talked about for the week leading up to it were the weapon system’s capabilites. He actually walked around quoting the Army field manual about it.”

Witnesses stated that as Rojas began to fire the machine gun, he sprouted an erection which became so large it busted through the notoriously weak crotch seam of his ACU pants. Army medical officials listed his cause of death as priapism, described as “a persistent, usually painful, erection that lasts for more than four hours and occurs without sexual stimulation.”

“We probably shouldn’t have waited four hours to get him medical attention,” Taylor said. “We’ve all seen the ads, and should’ve known the risks. ”

Rojas fired his full combat load before passing out due to the lack of blood and oxygen in his brain.

At first, the company just laughed off the situation, and drew giant erections on his face in sharpie. But when he wouldn’t wake up, he was then medevaced to the post hospital where doctors tried furiously to revive him. After several hours of ice baths, being shown pictures of his grandmother in a bathing suit, and having two business men talk to him about Six Sigma, Rojas succumbed to his condition and passed away.

“We tried everything in our knowledge,” said doctor Steven McCanon. “No matter what we did, we just couldn’t seem to reverse the effect that firing that weapon had on him.”

“I’m always happy to have soldiers excited about training, and getting to shoot the big guns usually gets them pumped up but I never expected anything like this. I’m not really sure what we can do to prevent this in the future or if we even really learned anything here,” said Pitts.

Company members have renamed Rojas’ weapon “.50-Cialis” in his memory.


Read more: http://www.duffelblog.com/2015/03/so...#ixzz3TRFpK6Ln
Read more: http://www.duffelblog.com/2015/03/so...#ixzz3TRFfRD56

[MT1]

‘I Killed Osama Bin Laden': A 5.56mm Bullet Tells His Story

WASHINGTON D.C. — Just days after former Navy SEAL Team 6 member Rob O’Neill kicked off an ugly row by saying that he killed Osama bin Laden, a single 5.56mm bullet has stepped forward to claim responsibility.

Sources confirmed the copper-jacketed lead NATO-compliant projectile — which hails from Lake City Army Ammunition Plant in northeastern Missouri — claims that both O’Neill’s and former SEAL Matt Bissonnette’s accounts of the raid on bin Laden’s Abbottobad compound in 2011 are completely false.

“Bissonnette’s a liar,” the bullet explained in an exclusive interview with Fox News’ Megyn Kelly. “Not only a liar but a damn liar. He and O’Neill didn’t do a thing to kill that terrorist scum. Me entering that goat-lover’s cranium at 900 meters a second did! And let me tell you, the human brain is a disgusting place.”

The bullet also revealed that his announcement had spurred a criminal investigation by the Pentagon, which accuses him of disclosing classified ballistics. “Things have worked out great though,” the projectile said. “I’ve landed a great job with the Ferguson Police Department, a book deal and a ghost writer. I’m set!”

The bullet further stated that his decision to speak out was prompted by the loss of his retirement benefits, which would have begun only three months after the fateful day in which he was fired at supersonic speed out of the barrel of an M-4 carbine.

“That dickhead O’Neill is actually complaining about how he lost his bennies retiring at 16 years when every retard Joe, Dick and Dimpus in the force knows you need to put in all 20 to get 100 percent,” the bullet explained. “Look, I’m not going to blame everything on losing thousands of my friends in Afghanistan, but it certainly didn’t help. You know what I say to O’Neill? You should try getting splattered into a cement wall at Mach 2.5 you neck-bearded attention whore!”

At press time, the 5.56mm bullet’s claim to fame is already being disputed by the other 29 rounds it shared a STANAG magazine with and the M-4 carbine that fired it. Additionally, a visibly deformed .458 SOCOM is insisting that the 5.56 is nothing but a pogue FOB-guarding bitch round that actually spent the whole war chambered in a Ugandan’s rifle at the Kandahar chow hall.


Read more: http://www.duffelblog.com/2014/11/na...#ixzz3TRI2Mjsv

Read more: http://www.duffelblog.com/2014/11/na...#ixzz3TRHuNnUB

[MT1]

Negligent Weapon Shoots Watch Stander In The Foot

SAN DIEGO, Calif. – A firearm stationed aboard the USS Boxer (LHD-4) has been charged with negligence, reckless endangerment and assault after it wounded a sailor on watch, sources reported Friday.

Aviation Boatswain’s Mate 3rd Class Jesse Boyer was standing the ship’s midnight topside rover watch when the M4 rifle suddenly opened fire, striking Boyer in the left foot. Doctors at Bob Wilson Naval Hospital stated that Boyer is in stable condition, but will probably never skate again.

“The weapon was in Condition 3 when I sent [Boyer] off,” said Gunner’s Mate 3rd Class Travis Dyson, the ship’s armorer and clearing barrel supervisor that day. “It must have charged itself and taken itself off ‘safe.’ These rifles have a mind of their own.”

“I would never deviate from clearing barrel procedures,” he quickly added.

The M4A1 carbine — a 5.56mm, magazine-fed, gas-operated, air-cooled, shoulder-fired weapon — had no previous history of indiscriminate violence, firing only at targets it intended to shoot.

“I certainly never tried to pass the time on watch by playing around with the weapon, or pulled the charging handle at any point, and I most certainly did not squeeze the trigger when I was startled awake,” Boyer said.

Master-at-Arms 2nd Class Andrew Lawson corroborated Boyer’s account.

“Boyer hadn’t checked in over the radio for quite some time, so I went topside to investigate. I found him in a dark corner behind the ship’s refueling station,” said Lawson.

“I called out to make sure everything was okay, when the weapon snapped and engaged Boyer,” he continued. “I then neutralized the threat by subduing it with non-lethal tactics.”

Lawson then escorted the violent carbine to the ship’s brig, where it was held for three days on bread-and-water before being awarded 60 days restriction, with a date for court-martial pending.

At press time, the miscreant firearm had been turned over to the disgruntled engineer with a DUI who had just been docked a half-month’s pay for two months.

The M4 could not be reached for comment.


Read more: http://www.duffelblog.com/2015/01/ne...#ixzz3TRIKlKoZ

Read more: http://www.duffelblog.com/2015/01/ne...#ixzz3TRIEkaYF

[Rosco the Iroc]

Soldier Dies From Massive Erection After Firing .50-Cal For The First Time

I didn't die but I did gray out a bit.

[qmcorps]

The best part of the duffelblog, is the comments of stupid people, believing the articles.

[MT1]

The best part of the duffelblog, is the comments of stupid people, believing the articles.

So true.

[PAMedic=F|A=]

The best part of the duffelblog, is the comments of stupid people, believing the articles.

The problem is the stupid is so strong in the military that most of it is not impossible....

[Sgt.K]

The problem is the stupid is so strong in the military that most of it is not impossible....

Sadly true...

[MT1]

The problem is the stupid is so strong in the military that most of it is not impossible....

That's part of what makes the stories funny. I read them and think, "yeah, that could happen."

[MT1]

Sailor Who Can’t Wiz Accurately Into Toilet Still Manning The .50-Cal

USS CURTIS WILBUR — Sailors aboard USS Curtis Wilbur (DDG-54) are reacting in shock after learning that a crewmember has recently qualified to stand watch on one of the vessel’s four .50-caliber machine guns, despite evidence that the young man can’t properly aim his own stream of urine into the ship’s male toilets without “piss-plastering the whole goddamned stall.”

Gunner’s Mate 3rd Class Tanner Witsky, a 22-year-old weapons department sailor who reportedly admits to his urinary aiming deficiency (as well as to getting cases of “the butt liquid” whenever around loaded firearms and/or women) is now reportedly responsible for protecting the $1.84-billion Arleigh Burke Class destroyer and its crew of nearly 300 by engaging any shallow water threats Curtis Wilbur might face while moored at potentially dangerous foreign ports.

“It’s beyond comprehension that spaz is expected to keep us from getting blown to shit each time we’re tied-up pierside in any one of these shady-ass countries,” said Boatswain’s Mate 2nd Class Rick Hinojosa, one of many Curtis Wilbur sailors who voiced their dismay at the thought of Witsky standing gun watches. “If that dude jumped off a diving board, he’d probably find a way to miss the pool.”

Hinojosa added that, along with losing all of the ship’s footballs, volleyballs and Frisbees by errantly throwing them into the ocean during the ship’s last “steal beach” picnic, Witsky has become so notorious for befouling the ship’s male restroom facilities with his inaccurate urine flow that the crew has coined a phrase for having to enter the same stall after him.

“We call it ‘using Witsky’s mom’,” said Hinojosa, “because you know the whole thing’s gonna be soaking wet before you even get your dong out.”

For all the complaints coming from Witsky’s peers, however, members of his immediate chain of command said they fully back Witsky manning the .50-Cal.

“I’ve reviewed GM3 Witsky’s PQS (Personnel Qualification Standard), and it looks like he has all the required signatures, so he’s qualified to stand gun watch.” said Chief Gunner’s Mate Bill Fiske, one of Witsky’s superiors.

When questioned as to whether Curtis Wilbur sailors are tested adequately enough on their aiming and firing ability — as well as on their overall preparedness and competency to act as the ship’s primary line of defense against a small craft attack — Fiske again held up the PQS and said, “Witsky has all his required signatures, so he’s qualified to stand gun watch.”

“I have full faith in this ship’s security team and in their ability to fend off any threats,” said Cdr. Rick Sandifur, Curtis Wilbur’s commanding officer. “Trust me, when it comes to keeping Curtis Wilbur safe, you’ll be hard pressed to find a better qualified and capable group of sailors anywhere else in the fleet.”

“Now, I’m sorry to cut this short,” Sandifur continued, “but I have to go use Witsky’s mom.”


Read more: http://www.duffelblog.com/2015/02/sa...#ixzz3TckOpakO