Craigslist brings the funnay! Philly rental... :wat:

[Curmudgeon]

Is this for real?

http://philadelphia.craigslist.org/roo/1305735862.html

$550 3 bedroom 1.5 bath share - retro bar in basement, awesome roommates (South Philadelphia)


Share a spacious row home, 3 bedroom 1.5 bath, 1950s style retro bar in full basement, washer/dryer for $550 per month utilities included WITHIN REASON. If you waste water, gas or electricity I have no choice but to charge you for it.

We are looking for a very specific individual. One that A) we can tolerate and B) can tolerate us and the unusual characteristics of our home. So I am going to be very picky of who can rent from us, this is our home, and we aren't willing to be uncomfortable with anyone living here or have anyone who is uncomfortable with us and our... interesting lifestyle. Also if no one fits my unreasonable specifications I am turning the room into my office. So please don't respond unless you think you are perfect for this fit.

About the house and your surroundings:
3 bedrooms, 1 and 1/2 bathrooms, living room, dining room, kitchen, full basement with a bar, a garage that you can't park in. This house is a row home on south Lambert st. in between snyder and passyunk. the neighborhood is so-so.
Not really any violent crime but there are people who like to yell in the streets at night, actually it's usually just one lady who curses out her 8 kids, but I'm hoping child services will take them away soon and she won't have anyone to tell to go F themselves anymore, like she is doing at this very moment.
Sometimes this one guy raps in the middle of the street around 2 in the morning, but it usually doesn't last more than two sentences, i assume because of his short attention span and atrophied vocabulary limits him to a 10 second thought.
Your bedroom would face the alley way however, so you won't have to enjoy all that. The only thing that you may be annoyed with is sometimes kids play back there in the morning. Personally, I like to deal with the cursing and the rapping rather than the irritating sound of children's laughter, which is why my bedroom faces the street.

We are very close to Septa buses if that's your means of travel, and if it is... Godspeed. If you drive, there is usually a spot to park right in front of the house that the lady who curses her kids lives in that I wrote of earlier, but I won't park there, and neither will anyone else on this block. The best bet is the next block over. Sometimes people park on the sidewalk on the other side of this one way street, and sometimes their cars get smashed into by drunk drivers in the middle of the night.

Our house should be treated like a museum. There are many things in this house that should only be looked at and not touched - like our food and beer.

Your room is about a 10 x 10 foot box that the previous roommate for some reason decided to paint black and orange vertical stripes. Feel free to paint over this because I think it's atrocious. You don't have a closet in the room, but one is available for you down the hall. Which isn't very big at all. I suggest getting a clothing rack if you like to hang your clothes. You will also need an air conditioner for the summer, because without one this house gets extremely hot. If you want to get the Direct TV or Comcast internet in your room, you can pay for the additional installation fees on our existing account, as long as it doesn't raise my bill every month, you won't have to worry about paying it.

The bathroom is small but everything you need is there, except for electrical outlets and a breeze. The light is a bit dim in there too, I also suggest to not fix yourself up before going out in the bathroom mirror because it lies. It makes you look better than you really are.

The other two bedrooms are off limits to you at all times for any reason. So there is no need to describe them. We also feel that your bedroom is off limits to us, UNLESS you are attracting bugs by being filthy, and/or murdering people and/or storing dead bodies in there.

The downstairs gets really hot in the summer, and is nice the rest of the year. Everywhere but the bedrooms is considered common areas. If you sit in the living room and watch tv, or movies that is fine, but I would prefer it if you have good taste. The last roommate and his girlfriend enjoyed viva la bam and daisy of love and shows of similar retardation, which I am banning after he leaves due to the extraordinary amount of brain damage i've suffered from attempting to deal with the stupidity. The living room is shared with mannequins, full size skeletons, birdcages which house ... things... and a wheelchair full of creepy stuffed animals. The walls have spiders and gas masks on them. It has hardwood floors.

The dining room is a work out/ dance room. There was a bookcase that I built into a door to the basement that the last roommate broke. So it's not that cool anymore until I rebuild it. There will be a poll in the dining room one day so that the lady of the house can spin on it, so watch out for flying platform shoes. There is still some painting to be done here, and some things that are going to be remodeled. The entire house is a work in progress... slow progress, because of how busy/lazy I am.

Next to the dining room is your normal average run-of-the-mill kitchen with blood dripping from the walls and an animatronic monkey head on top of the fridge. Sometimes there are plastic bugs in the ice cubes. Sometimes the refrigerator makes a whaling, high-pitched scream for a few minutes. Sometimes there is food in it.

The basement was built into a bar around 1950 and looks the part. It has everything you need at a bar except alcohol, a tap, a fridge, or a cash register, plus a washer and dryer. There is a bathroom down there that is used for solid deposits, which aren't allowed in the upstairs bathroom because of my fiances fear that it will clog and then rain poop in the living room.

About us:
Despite your newly formed assumptions of us may be, due to my previous description, Me and my fiance are drug free and we require the same from you. However, if it's from the ground it's fine, anything else is prohibited.

We are both in our early 30's. We both have full time, or nearly full time jobs. We are very artistic people that might be described as eccentric, if you haven't already guessed. We don't have loud couples arguments, but occasionally we do have loud sex, ...extremely loud. So if you are watching television or reading downstairs during one of our marathons, you may want to go for a walk. We are close to a park, which is nice to walk to and I doubt from there you would hear us.

We are very easy going, as long as we don't feel we are being taken advantage of. We are fun to be with... well... she is more than myself, and if you are new to the city, we are more than happy to show you around. We are the type of people if we are cooking we will offer you a plate, if we are going out we will invite you, and if you have a birthday we throw you a party.

Our sense of humor to some is an acquired taste, like wine... which a few glasses of is sometimes necessary to find something I say humorous.

We have a cat, who is the damn queen of the castle, who gets brushed and fed and treated like royalty while we clean her litter and wipe up her vomit and kiss her ass. She isn't accepting of any other animals living here unfortunately, so you can't bring pets. If there was another cat or dog in here, our cat would probably poop and puke on everything she could get her furry paws on. Also you can't leave anything on the floor downstairs, because she will either pee or puke on it if she hasn't already, she usually does this when you need that object the most, she does this because she ... is a spoiled little bitch.
If the litter box isn't thoroughly and unbelievably cleaned and sparkling to miss f'ing princess royal highness' liking, she will take a royal poop on the bathroom floor. So you have to be careful walking in there in the morning.
She also will try to steal your food if you aren't looking, or she'll just spill it and eat it off the floor, this usually follows after her spinning in a circle and vomiting in every corner of the house that she can get to, so you run to clean it leaving your food unattended.

About our ideal tenant.
You must give us first and last months rent upon move in.
You must gives us two months notice before leaving.
You must give us rent on time and in full or pay a late fee.
You must have a full time job, OR part time with full time classes as long as you can afford the rent, the key thing being that you aren't in the house all day and all night long.
If you smoke, you must do it outside. But do not flick butts on the ground.
You must not borrow clothes unless given permission.
You must clean up after yourself.
If you eat meat, you must cook it in your own pan.
You must be quiet after midnight Monday through Friday.
You must not steal.
You must not make sexual advances or do anything creepy in a sexual nature toward us or our cat.
You must NOT ever go into our bedroom unless invited... which will never happen.
You must not poop in the upstairs bathroom.
You must be kind to our cat.
You must NOT punch holes in the walls or maliciously damage any part of our property.
You must NOT be obnoxious, rude, disrespectful, excessively loud, annoying, smelly, or violent.
You don't have to clean up after us, but we won't stop you if you do.
If you would like to be the butler, then we can negotiate a new rent. But I would like you to wear a tuxedo and preferably be named appropriately.
And lastly, If you are political, religious, or non-religious, you must be humble and respectful of others who live or visit in this house may not have the same opinions as you do. We have Mormons who go door to door in this neighborhood on sundays, please do not chase them with the satanic bible like our last roommate did.

All of these rules will be included in the lease, and failure to comply with the previous rules can and will be punishable by any of the following means, including but not limited to, eviction and death by chain saw.
All in all, if you are the right individual who somehow has everything we're looking for, who can put up with this house and us, and who needs a place at the right time in the right area of the world, then this living situation will work out. Otherwise don't waste my time.


* Location: South Philadelphia
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

[Twister]

haha, nice. I read the whole thing... it was long. I could probably live there with no trouble, especially if the whole murder by chainsaw thing was a joke.

[OrionBricks]

That was worth reading, very entertaining..

[jcabin]

thats wild

[ErSwnn]

Hell...I'd pay a lot more, what with the puking, crapping cat. Just a hunch but I'm guessing they won't think much of my guns. The alley kids would be easy to chase off....just lick the window when they come by.

[bortle]

I'd like to just see the place. Sounds like a looney bin. Probably be entertaining.

[Bmarshall91]

i think the dude is a closet homosexual.....

[FormerUser123]

Anyone else sensing that there's an unlisted stipulation that the roommate must be willing to have freaky 3-somes with the "landlords"? I really got that vibe reading this...

Anyway, I'm tempted to take up their offer just to see how they'd react to the guns and ammo...

[Curmudgeon]

Anyone else sensing that there's an unlisted stipulation that the roommate must be willing to have freaky 3-somes with the "landlords"? I really got that vibe reading this...

Anyway, I'm tempted to take up their offer just to see how they'd react to the guns and ammo...

Why don't you just send them a email? You can even include a pic featuring your best "come hither" look...




Just to be fair, I found a pic of the landlord... pretty artsy-fartsy, wouldn't you say?

[camper]

Sounds like its written by someone who wants to be funny, creative, and artsy....but isn't.

camper