DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS

[larrymeyer]

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS

(Or the uncertainty of the English language)

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family
values. Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did
you?' Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
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A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my
intelligence come from?' The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got
it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'

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'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then
I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took
the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good
with the kids.'

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you
will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on
you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

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Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.

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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll
take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?' The agent replies, 'Just
a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. 'How
was he killed?' asked one detective. 'With a golf gun,' the other detective
replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

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A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks
him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in
surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'

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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of
bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had
even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.

.................................................. ...................

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of
thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even
more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's
there.'

[Robert Kayland]

The "all in one" joke takes an honored place in the "And That's How The Fight Started" pantheon.

[RandomTask]

The pessimist sees the glass as half empty.
The optimist sees the glass as half full.
The bigamist sees two glasses.

[Bmarshall91]

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of
thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even
more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's
there.'

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! NICE!