Dealing with an unsafe family member

[Sgt.K]

Except for the one old fella. He kept trying to get me to go out back behind the nursing home and smoke a doobie. Every day.

That's the great thing about being 'of a certain age' - you get to meet new friends every day.

[scruff]

It's not just old guys being admonished by their own kids in public.

Go back to any of the PAFOA threads where it's been suggested that guns with chambered rounds are more likely to be involved in an ND or AD than guns without chambered rounds, when carried every day for many years.

You'd think that some of the 20-somethings here were being asked to cut off their own genitals and pee sitting down while knitting toaster cozies. ('Well YOU may be so afraid of your own gun that you're not competent to carry that way, but ME, I'M secure enough in my own manhood that I can do whatever I want. I've been doing it this way for YEARS, I tell ya.')

I've been acknowledging uncomfortable truths and dispensing expensive advice for a lot of years, and trust me, not everybody is open to having their unzipped fly pointed out to them.

Unfortunately, that pretty much nails his attitude. I think he somehow feels that I'm trying to upstage him. He's been shooting all his life. Aside from plinking with him as a kid, I didn't catch the bug until much later in life. I've taken some great classes and got my RSO and pistol instructor certifications, but I've never played the "I know better because I'm trained and certified" card.

[mingomom]

Unfortunately, that pretty much nails his attitude. I think he somehow feels that I'm trying to upstage him. He's been shooting all his life. Aside from plinking with him as a kid, I didn't catch the bug until much later in life. I've taken some great classes and got my RSO and pistol instructor certifications, but I've never played the "I know better because I'm trained and certified" card.

All of your posts seem to focus on "how can I get him to change" and "I tried that..." The key here is that you cannot get him to change. All you can do is make choices that keep your children safe. Maybe he'll get to the point where missing the kids makes him think about changing, but you cannot make him change.

[4cliffdwellers]

Is your wife willing to take the heat if you won't?

I ask because I always tell my husband if there is any issue that he needs an "out" for to simply use me as an excuse. If he's invited somewhere that he doesn't want to go, he just has to say that we have other plans. If there's something he needs out of, what man argues with "my wife said..."

Good luck with your situation. I told my mom she couldn't drive anymore until she saw the Dr and got the OK last winter. My Dad agreed and after almost having her license taken away, she is able to drive again. Of course, she doesn't go far, but she is safer now and her health is good again.

The hard decisions can be gut-wrenching, but stay strong for your kids. Do the Utah class if you have to, but something needs to be done.

[snakeman21]

All of your posts seem to focus on "how can I get him to change" and "I tried that..." The key here is that you cannot get him to change. All you can do is make choices that keep your children safe. Maybe he'll get to the point where missing the kids makes him think about changing, but you cannot make him change.

^^^THIS is exactly my point when I said to set an ultimatum that until he exercises proper safety around your children, he will not be allowed around your children. My point was not for you to drive him from your life, but to make it obvious to him that he will not get to see his grandchildren unless he makes a change in how he acts. Family is VERY important to people, and people are more willing to make changes in order to be with their family than for most anything else. Ask me how I know.

After being told that he will not be allowed to be around his grandkids unless he starts acting safer, he will make the choice that allows him to see them. He may still disagree with your sentiments, but that is really a moot point as long as he changes his actions around your children. Even if it is just for the sake of seeing them and not because he actually "gets it".

[scruff]

All of your posts seem to focus on "how can I get him to change" and "I tried that..." The key here is that you cannot get him to change. All you can do is make choices that keep your children safe. Maybe he'll get to the point where missing the kids makes him think about changing, but you cannot make him change.

It's not that I disagree with you; I think you and the growing chorus here are right. Just haven't replied yet because I'm thinking about how to best go about it. I'd rather have the rest of the family involved, so this doesn't just become a pissing match between him and me. It would have a lot more effect if my brother's family was on board too. He has a couple of old guns but he's not a shooter. My sister-in-law is overly protective of the kids and worries about everything. She probably jumps out of her skin every time she sees a gun. But she hasn't been assertive enough to make a fuss, and in hindsight, I realize she doesn't know enough about gun safety to realize that his behavior has been out of the ordinary.

Me, OTOH... airing this out in public, I'm feeling pretty stupid right now that I didn't deal with it earlier.

[Shodan]

Send him every link or print out you can find of kids being shot and killed by careless family members.

[jpg5080]

Lots of good advice and suggestions so far. This is definitely a complex situation compounded by family relationships.

One of the things that bothers me the most is taking a carry piece out for show and tell. When I carry it stays in the holster, and if someone asks to see it I invite them to come to my house sometime to handle it.

I would not be visiting until your Dad agrees to follow safe handling practices, but that is my opinion and the OP is not me . Good luck to the OP, keep us updated on how things progress.

[scruff]

Lots of good advice and suggestions so far. This is definitely a complex situation compounded by family relationships.

One of the things that bothers me the most is taking a carry piece out for show and tell. When I carry it stays in the holster, and if someone asks to see it I invite them to come to my house sometime to handle it.

I would not be visiting until your Dad agrees to follow safe handling practices, but that is my opinion and the OP is not me . Good luck to the OP, keep us updated on how things progress.

Absolutely. My carry guns come out of the safe and into the holster, and only come out of the holster to go back in the safe. Guns don't go bang in the holster, they go bang in someone's hand. When handling a DAO with one in the chamber (despite Gun lawyer's advice ) in private, at least the risk is only to myself.

Maybe he thinks a Derringer that isn't cocked couldn't possibly go off. I don't care if the chances are a million to one that anything could happen. At a million to one odds, real people die.

[mingomom]

It's not that I disagree with you; I think you and the growing chorus here are right. Just haven't replied yet because I'm thinking about how to best go about it. I'd rather have the rest of the family involved, so this doesn't just become a pissing match between him and me. It would have a lot more effect if my brother's family was on board too. He has a couple of old guns but he's not a shooter. My sister-in-law is overly protective of the kids and worries about everything. She probably jumps out of her skin every time she sees a gun. But she hasn't been assertive enough to make a fuss, and in hindsight, I realize she doesn't know enough about gun safety to realize that his behavior has been out of the ordinary.

Me, OTOH... airing this out in public, I'm feeling pretty stupid right now that I didn't deal with it earlier.

Don't spend your time on regret over the past. It takes a lot more character to ask for advice than to pretend you know it all. This forum is for exactly that - sharing advice and information. Thoughtful preparation for addressing the issue is good.

However, having the rest of the family involved is not the first step. You need to give him the chance to listen and accept your decision in private. He deserves at least that. If he fails to see your point, involve the family. But whatever you do, you need to make it a decision for your family safety, not an attempt to change him.