World History.

[LastManOut]

World History – As It Really Happened


Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gathers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.
These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups; Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass nor the aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as “the Conservative Movement”.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal Movement. Some of these Liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as “girliemen”.
Some noteworthy Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that the Conservatives provided.
Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. The jackass symbolizes Liberals.
Modern Liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu and French food are standard Liberal fare.
Another interesting evolution side note; most of the liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury lawyers, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood, group therapists and schoolteachers are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t “fair” to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, good golfers and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the Liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a system of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today’s lesson in World History. It should be noted that a Liberal might have a momentary urge to angrily respond today’s lesson before forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers.